Tenacity (Rise of the Iliri Book 5) Page 4

  "It started when I was thirteen. I've always thought it must have been my birthday, you know? They acted like a point had been reached that they'd been waiting for. He said I was old enough." She swallowed. "It was the master. I still don't know his name, and I've never bothered to look, but yeah. That night, I was told I was old enough for my own room. When I was sent to bed, he came in. It was almost clinical. Take off your dress, lay on the bed, spread your legs, this will hurt, don't scream. Just like that."

  Arctic held her just a bit tighter but said nothing.

  "So I was laying there, with my arms across my chest, and he just unlaced his pants and leaned over me. It hurts, you know? Thing is, I think he threw me into maast and that just makes everything more clear."

  "You ok, Sal?" he asked when she fell silent.

  She blinked at tears that would never come. "There was nothing pleasurable about it. I ripped. I know that now. Back then, I just knew it hurt so bad, and I couldn't keep myself from fighting. We're kinda smaller than human women. I growled, and he told me he'd beat me. So I bit him."

  Arctic chuckled, but it sounded sad. "That's my girl."

  "Yeah. He just had me whipped. The next night, he made me tie myself to the bed. I stopped bleeding eventually, and he said I was trained."

  "Were you scared?"

  "Yeah." She fell silent for a long moment. "I've been cut, stabbed, nearly killed, and none of it is as terrifying. It's a different type of fear. Fear of death can only go so far, you know? We all meet that every day. Move too slow, forget to check your back, whatever, and it could be the last mistake you make. That's why Blaec has us work in teams. Someone always has our back. This is different."

  He ran his hand across her hair. "I got you, Sal. I'm not letting go, ok?"

  She nodded and took a long breath. "There are few things I can compare it to. Who you love, that's something you get to decide. No one can choose that for you. It's not the physical part of it that hurts so bad. It's more than losing your freedom. Even as a slave, I could at least hate my masters. That. That I couldn't stop. I only ever got one first time, and it's ruined."

  She turned into his chest, and he pressed her head closer. "I'm not letting go," he whispered.

  "It's like pulling your will, your mind, and all your love out and stomping it to pieces. There's an automatic reaction to desire sex and a revulsion of yourself for wanting it. It takes everything you know about yourself - what you like, what you hate, what you want, what you fear - and it mixes them together. Eventually, I began to think I wanted it. The week before they came to me, I didn't get beat. No marks, you know? I started to want that, and then I hated myself for wanting it. We tell ourselves that sex is love, but it's not. It's control. It's power. I hated myself for being so empty. I felt like I was rotting from the inside out because I couldn't tell the difference between what they did to me and what was love."

  She rubbed at her face and looked up at him. Arctic never met her eyes. He just watched her legs curled on top the blankets of his bed.

  "It hurts like nothing else. It's betrayal, but so much more. It's like taking everything personal and poisoning it, twisting it. Worst of all, they made me think it's my fault. If only I wasn't so...whatever. Some blamed it on my looks, others my species, or that I smiled or looked at them. They always made sure I knew it's what I did that caused it. I learned to hate myself, and blame myself, and then hate myself for blaming myself.

  "Eventually they started auctioning me off. Each month we had a grand gala. I always served the champagne. They had a little dress for me. It was white but sheer, and the men would look at me as I held the tray for their drinks. Not at me, but at the piece of meat they were about to buy. That night, I'd head up to the guest room and impress them. If I did well, I got the next day off work and a real bath. If I didn't, I was beaten. I learned pretty fast how to do well. In a few months, I decided I was the one in charge. I made a game of it. See if I could make them swear, or scream, and never leave a mark on them. The price went up, and my master was happy. I think that's when I realized that they couldn't make me powerless, you know?"

  "What's does the purple tattoo mean, demon?"

  She smiled. "The master knew that if he impressed the military, he'd get better escorts for his trade routes and other little benefits. He still held the auctions but, between them, he threw me at any officer in town. He'd offer them lodging and have me just slip in their rooms at night. If he got a deal from it, I was rewarded." She chuckled sarcastically. "Usually it was real meat. Well, one officer came through, and I slipped in his room. He didn't smell sweet like the others, but I didn't know what that meant. He was only the third one, and he'd been in combat. The first two were just requisition clerks."

  She sighed and relaxed against him, wallowing in her memories.

  "I walked in the room, and he saw me. I think he was shocked to see a true iliri in all honesty. I pulled off my dress as seductively as I could and crawled onto him in the bed, but he stopped me. He asked me why. I just told him something about how he deserved this. I can't even remember, but I knew to flatter the men, you know? He rolled me off him and covered me with the blankets. I tried again, and he grabbed my hands, then told me no." Sal smiled sadly. "He wanted me. I could smell that he wanted me pretty bad, but he wouldn't. He told me that he'd fought too hard for freedom from tyranny to participate in it and then he swore it would be our secret. Arctic, he held me. He just put his arm around me and held me until I fell asleep. I think he watched my back the whole night. When I woke the next morning, he was gone. He told the master he'd be happy to escort his caravan back to Fort Landing at no charge, and I was spoiled for the rest of the week.

  "That's what the purple is. A man whose name I don't know, but who showed me that not all men are like that. It changed everything. To get me to sleep, he told me about the elites, including you all." Sal chuckled. "You'd just done a skirmish in the mountains, remember that? Running over hard terrain, always being where they didn't expect."

  "Yeah. Unav. We pushed Terric back that day."

  Sal nodded. "Yeah. It was about a month later, I think. Least from his story. I wanted to be a Black Blade then. Strong, smart, and able to hold back forces larger than me." Sal pushed herself into him. "I wish I knew who he was so I could thank him."

  Arctic held her so tightly. "Ayati, Sal. It was meant to be, babe."

  She sucked in a long, shuddering breath. "Shaden never got there. She never learned to fight back, she was never given a choice."

  "You did, demon."

  "That's why I opened the cage."

  "Blaec reminds you of him, doesn't he?" Arctic asked.

  Sal shrugged. "In some ways." She sighed and leaned her head back. "It's more that I call to him. Blaec won't submit - and I'm glad for that - but I still call to him. I never knew why he avoided me in the trials, I just thought it was Circ, ya know?"

  "Yeah. He played that pretty close."

  "But as soon as I was in black, it started. He tried so hard to impress me. All those hours riding! I've heard him drilling the rest of you, he's not full of compliments and encouragement. He pushes. With me, it was always logic and encouragement. When he kissed me in the bar?" Sal giggled. "That was so hard for him! He had to completely let go of what was expected, and he was scared to death. It mattered."

  Arctic nodded. "What about Jase?"

  Sal laughed. "Maast. I mean literally. If it wasn't for me being a damned berserker, I would have missed that. He never showed a sign, other than an offhanded compliment. Looking back, I know that he was always around. When I needed a Blade to ask about the trials, he was standing less than two meters from me, hidden in the shadows. When I got jacked in Eastward, he never left me alone in the camp, and he was there any time panic hit. I think he's always been tied to me somehow."

  "Me too."

  Sal sighed. "Zep was the hard one. He was my friend and my big brother. He always kept me at arm's length, but I knew better. When things
finally threw us together, he still said no."

  "Why did you say yes?"

  "I don't know. Curiosity? I feel safe with him? I don't know."

  "He makes you laugh more," Arctic pointed out.

  "Yeah. The strange thing? I was never afraid of him. I'm pretty sure I beat him in the trials because he made me angry, but I was never afraid of him. Even when I slept with him. He pointed it out to me later, but I never thought about it."

  "Because he's iliri?"

  "I think so. And it matters. When you let me in your mind, you can't hold me. I'm stronger than you. All of you. I'm in control."

  "What would happen if you weren't?" he asked softly.

  "I don't know. I don't think it would matter, though, because I could feel it. The trust, the love, the…" Sal chuckled softly, "the faith. That's why Zep's name is blue. It's my trust in all of you. I believe he's iliri. I believe in my pack."

  "You know that I'm always here for you, right?" Arctic hugged her gently. "I know they are, too, but sometimes you can't go to them. I'm here if you ever need it, ok, Sal?"

  She giggled. "I've misplaced my big brother, you know."

  Arctic laughed with her. "Yeah. You made him cessivi."

  "Yeah." She closed her eyes and just laid her head on him. "It's hard to talk about it."

  "I know. I'm glad you did, though."

  "For Shaden?"

  "No," he whispered, pushing her hair back. "For you. This is going to be hard on you."

  She just nodded.

  "Does it come back still?" he asked softly.

  "Humans. It's just humans. Arctic, being Kaisae, it makes it worse. I can link now, did you know that?"

  "Since when?"

  "When you linked Dom with my help. I can read by touch and other things. Add those together, and I can pull thoughts from minds. Anyone I touch is wide open to me."

  He tucked her head under his chin and hugged her. "Anytime you touch them too, right?"

  "Yeah. I can close it off when I think about it, but brushing past someone, or someone reaching out and grabbing me? If they touch skin, they're wide open."

  "You never show it, Sal."

  She shrugged. "You think I lose all this if I'm not the Kaisae anymore?"

  "I dunno. The problem is, I don't think there's anyone else. The stronger you get, the more likely you are to stay our Kaisae. I've heard Cyno talk about the stories. You're different, Sal."

  "Why?" she asked. The need was clear in her voice.

  "Because you were an experiment? Because the world needs you? Because you're so damned strong willed that you won't take no for an answer? I don't know. But you're not alone anymore. Those three love you. Your cessivi, that's obvious. But LT? He tries to hide it, but we all know better. He has this smile. You'll kiss one of them and he just smiles, knowing you're happy, and it means so much to him." Arctic chuckled. "Back in Fort Landing, we thought you'd cured him, but I think it's deeper than that."

  "He's scared of me."

  "Yeah. We all are a bit. I mean, we trust you, but we know what you are. LT? It's something else." Arctic looked down at her, silent until she looked up at him. He caressed her cheek gently, just watching her eyes. "You can do it again, can't you. You could make him cessivi." He said it softly, just a statement of fact.

  "Not unless he takes it."

  "But if he wanted it, you could do it."

  Sal looked down.

  "What other secrets are you hiding in there, Sal?"

  "I don't know. I can feel when people are around me. Not who, or where, just that I'm alone or not. If I try, I can listen to the links."

  "Ours?"

  "All of them."

  "Fuck. I can't do that. I can only hear what passes through me. You talked to Rragri?"

  Sal nodded. "She shrugged it off, saying it's an iliri thing. Tseri, the Nuvani Kaeen? She said that the pack supports us. The stronger the pack, the stronger the Kaisae. Something about our link feeds back to me with your respect. It's like a tithe. She can hear all of her links too."

  Arctic nodded, thinking about that. "If it's a tithe, then I'll give you everything I have, demon."

  She refused to acknowledge that. "I can control bodies, too. I thought it was just movement, but I can tell your mind to sleep, or rupture vessels, or hold you still."

  Arctic took a deep breath. "Can you compel thoughts yet?"

  "Yes. Now come on, I'm supposed to be putting you in her line of sight."

  He chuckled. "Ok. Yell at me if I get out of line?"

  "I promise. Just be gentle with her. Be a friend first. The rest will come."

  "K. So, do I get to be your big brother now?"

  Sal laughed. "Sure, but you know he was just using that as an excuse to kiss me, right?"

  "Yeah. Zep sucks at hiding things. We always just let him think he had us fooled." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm pretty good at it, though."

  Sal suddenly realized her mind was truly silent. Since she'd told her cessivi that she would be a while, Arctic had pulled her from the link, locking her mind to just them.

  He smiled at the look on her face. "You leak. I didn't want our talk to send the entire camp into a self-destructive fit, let alone Shaden." He tilted his head in a weak shrug. "I've been doing this a long time. I know how to be subtle, and I've listened for them calling to you."

  "Thank you," Sal said, truly meaning it.

  "Nothing from tonight ever will leave this room, ok?"

  She nodded.

  His eyes didn't budge, but she could feel him working through something. Finally, he said, "Remember when you were going to run the gauntlet and I said I'd tell you a secret when you got home?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I'm not drawn to you like they are. I never have been." He sighed. "I've always respected you, but I've never been drawn to you - even though they expected me to try. That's why I kissed you in the cave. I thought I was supposed to, but I'm glad you chose Zep. It makes this all work out, you know?"

  "Yeah."

  His eyes suddenly had trouble meeting hers, and his face became very serene. "I couldn't do this without you." He glanced back for a second then looked away and laughed at himself. "That's the big secret I've been keeping from you. You said I was beautiful, and all I could think about was how unfair it is to need you so much and not love you like they do."

  "Arctic?"

  He waved her away. "You shared a lot with me. I just figured you should know."

  "Karim?"

  His real name caused him to look at her. Sal rested her palm against his face and opened her mind. Flashes of his self-doubt hit her. He wasn't as quick as Blaec. He wasn't as strong as Zep. He wasn't as agile as Jase. He didn't deserve to be second in command, not with her around.

  Sal sucked in a breath at the strength of it all. "No," she said shaking her head. "None of that is true. You're stronger than you think. You're kind, but that's not a weakness."

  "You just read me, didn't you?"

  She nodded, smiling as she stared at nothing. "Catch this." She flicked her memories of him deep into his mind, lodging them in a place where they would be felt as well as seen. "Look at that."

  His eyes went distant as he played through her impressions of him. Her awe at his near perfect beauty. Her amazement at his tactical genius. Her fear that he was trying too hard to be someone he wasn't. As he watched, she turned, facing him.

  Arctic blinked and smiled, lifting his pale eyes to hers. "Thank you, Sal. Sometimes I need a shoulder to lean on, too. Too much has happened, and so fast. I think about stepping down all the time, but this is how you want it."

  She nodded. "I may be the Kaisae, but I'm still third in charge of the Blades. You're the compliment to Blaec's anger. You, not me."

  He smiled at her but shifted the topic. "So locking you down doesn't stop the cessivi link I take it? I feel the echo from them."

  "Yeah. There's a big difference between linking a mind and linking a heart. I can't get thoughts fro
m it, just emotions. Lots of emotions. They get them, too."

  "I wish I had that." He chuckled, shoving a hand into his long dark hair. "This is going to suck with Shaden. What do I do if she doesn't choose me?"

  "I don't think that's a problem. Just be her friend, first. Let her tell you when you can take the next step and remember each one will be a very big step for her."

  He nodded. "Yeah, so be patient. Least we have Syhar to keep me occupied, right?"

  Chapter 5

  That evening, the Black Blades gathered in Jase's tent. It was the largest in the unit, but only a single room. They tied the flaps open, the door facing directly toward Blaec's, and the group lounged across blankets thrown on the floor. They laughed, a lot. That was just how the pack was when they had the chance to be together. It wasn't long before Sal noticed the gap across from them.

  You know she's watching us, right? she asked Arctic.

  He smiled back and patted her leg where it lay across Zep's lap. No, but I'm not surprised either. That's why you put us here. So what now?

  Nothing. Just let her see that you don't bite.

  Blaec passed around a bottle, stolen from Dominik earlier, and they listened to the rain splatter on the oiled canvas. Roo and Hwa had chosen to spend the evening alone, one of the first days they had away from the pups all week, and the men had promised to keep an eye on the girls. Raast had cornered Razor and begged him to read her a story. While she sat in his lap, pointing at words, Rhyx stared out at the wet camp.

  "Dava?" Rhyx asked.

  "Yeah?" most of the men replied. They chuckled at how well trained the girls had them, but the pup didn't notice.

  "I wanna play." Rhyx pouted. At 4 months old, the girls were large enough to hold their own but still childlike.

  "And what do you wanna play?" Zep asked.

  Rhyx looked back at him and sighed. "I wanna play hunting. Everyone else got to hunt today but me."

  "Yeh," Jase said to her. "But there's nothing ta hunt, Rhyx. Game goes to ground in the rain."